What follows is a carefully curated and extremely professional list of things I have learned since starting at gap intelligence. Pay close attention, this information is IMPORTANT. Should you ever be lucky enough to someday call yourself a gapper, I am giving you valuable trade secrets, free of charge. Many parts of this list fall into what gappers refer to as "gap jokes." The laughter that follows a gap joke told to a gapper rarely gets the same reaction by non-gappers. If there are parts of this list that make you say "huh?" feel free to ask a gapper and we will try to explain why a joke about Microsoft Excel makes us giggle like a school girl.
1) The co-worker most likely to shame you for messaging the categorically incorrect channel on Slack: Tom Young. If you dare include a message in the #general channel that belongs in the #random channel, you will hear about it.
2) If ever you’re in need of a candy or chocolate fix, taking a trip to Nick’s office will solve that. Not to mention you get to see Nick, so it’s a win-win.
3) One of the first things I learned is that EVERYONE has a phone voice. It is usually 3 octaves higher than their normal voice.
4) At gap intelligence, leaving dirty dishes in the kitchen is no joke and it usually ends with threatening and “I’m not your mother” mentions.
5) This is a recent development, but if you wear a chambray shirt to work, there is an 80% chance that you will be matching at least one other person.
6) It does not take long to discover coworker quirks: gigantic peanut butter jars hidden in desk, SERIOUS dislike for bananas, previous FBI background, sports teams affiliations (by affiliations I mean passionate devotion).
7) 99% of the time Chris Springfield is being sarcastic… I think. Honestly, I haven’t figured this one out yet. One time I was convinced that he was a raw vegan WHILE he was eating meat in front of me.
8) HEADPHONES. Good headphones are key. Curating GFD (great freakin' data) requires music.
9) Learning to use and pick up the phone is a long and awkward process. Just the other day I picked up the phone at 9:20am to a man who explained that he had missed a call that was scheduled for 12:15pm. Cue 15 seconds of silence while I came to realize he was on the East Coast and not actually a time traveler.
10) Excessively loud keyboards warrant death glares. That’s just the price you have to pay. Deal with it or get a new keyboard.
11) The giant bean bags in the office are shockingly comfortable.
12) Eating Hot Cheetos with chopsticks eliminates the dreaded Cheeto finger and thus Cheeto keyboard. You’re welcome.
13) During the summer, the office reaches sub-zero temperatures. Office hoodies are a staple. Side note: it is understood that one cannot be judged for the amount of time said hoodie is left in the office without returning home.
14) Being the last one in the office at night does not necessarily mean you are going to be murdered by a psycho killer. I’m still working on remembering this. To be fair, the motion sensor lights don’t ease my anxiety.
15) Things heard out of context in the office are often better left that way. For example: “I am a human glitter machine” or “I am the reason Saved by the Bell is on Netflix.” Enjoy, and move on with your day.
16) Eventually the nerdy work jokes developed in the office between coworkers will migrate into your personal life and no one will understand. “Cool? Quill.” See, you wouldn’t get it. gap jokes are real.
17) If food is brought into the office, it will get eaten. Tub of potato salad? Burnt cookies? Gone.
18) Google Docs will rule your life. I’ve had dreams in which I am drowning in Google Docs.
19) It is important to realize that sometimes it is best to speak with a coworker in person rather than over Slack. A two minute conversation is better than 16 confusing messages back and forth.
20) When Slack is appropriate, however, you can bet there is a Giphy for any occasion.
21) There will be days when you are ready to conquer the world and days when you step foot in the office and immediately want to be in bed snuggling your cat while watching entire seasons of Broad City at a time (or so I’ve heard…).
22) A coffee addiction is inevitable. I never drank coffee before starting here, but I have developed a slight dependency. I still can’t order a drink at Starbucks without embarrassing myself, but it’s a start.
23) A visit to the office by children or dogs can make any day better.
24) DO NOT under any circumstances leave the office between the hours of 12pm and 1pm. There is a high chance you will be mauled by High Tech High students.
25) There will be times when your computer will make you want to cry and scream. I once accidentally kicked my computer off toward the end of the day and actually shed a few tears making those around me extremely uncomfortable. Save your work often. Lesson learned.
26) The biweekly Point Loma Sports Club workouts never get easier.
27) If you can’t figure out an Excel formula, Google it. Google knows everything.
28) Macros are the BEST. I have actually said the words, “I love my macros” on more than one occasion.
29) Erin the Sniper shows no mercy when it comes to unicorn toys that launch rainbows balls.
30) I would be lost without my planner. Seriously though, you’d probably find me wandering aimlessly around Liberty Station.
31) Half full glasses of water are left all over the office. Nick Jordan apparently has a collection of photographic evidence.
32) Discovering where the smell is emanating from in the kitchen is a right of passage. It’s never pretty, but it needs to be done.
33) gap intelligence really does live by its values. Professionalism, Ownership, Willingness, Transparency and Passion are apparent throughout this workplace.
34) Only the most deserving nicknames will stick– Nasty Nate, Springy, Coach Cheesy, TYO.
35) You will learn more about hedgehogs from gap intelligence than you ever expected.
36) gappy hours are just like Happy Hours but times 10.
37) Before starting at gap intelligence I thought I had a decent handle on Excel. Now, I realize how little I knew and how much there is that I still don’t know.
38) If you strategically place stickers of Dwight from The Office around the office, it will take some people months to realize…………Dustin……
39) Assume positive intent. This one is for real. Applying this in the workplace allows you to reframe your perspective and avoid unnecessary conflict.
40) If a co-worker passes out post-blood drive, you will hear that story from a million different points of view.
41) As the consumables Data Opper, it has become clear that the majority of other categories' processes and methodologies rarely, if ever, apply to cons.
42) If you ask someone a question and it requires them getting up and coming to your desk, it is extremely likely that you will answer your own question during their transit.
43) Process documentation is a lifesaver.
44) On your first day, Gary will tell you not to try to memorize anything, but to use osmosis. At some point you will realize that his advice was sound…
45) And then you’ll find yourself repeating one of the many stories or metaphors told to you in the beginning to someone else.
46) gapCon is the MOST valuable day of the year and it’s been rumored that Erin Vogelsanger LOVES scavenger hunts.
47) Your hands remember keyboard shortcuts that your mind doesn’t.
48) Every year, the gappy holiday card is the most epic card you will receive.
49) Each item on a person’s desk has some kind of story…usually a weird one.
50) I have been told that readers prefer reading lists over long wordy blogs… I sure hope that’s true!