Are you tired of letting Newman get you down?
Are you sick of using heavy objects on your desk as a way to punish your computer every time Newman deletes one of your reports? Have you ever cried, cursed, or injured a body part while trying to deal with Newman? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you must read this very important Newman survival guide:
Currently, there are three options presented to you in terms of dealing with your Monday night reports.
Option 1: Before you even log on to start Newmanizing, stop; don’t. Print out several copies of your reports, and mail them to your clients. What you lose in paper and postage you will make up for in time and anguish.
If this approach is unappealing as you care deeply for the environment as well as saving money on envelopes and stamps, then your next best option is to use an entirely different program.
Option 2: Open Seamonkey, which is essentially an offline version of Newman. While this option will likely slow you down at first with its slightly different features, you don’t run the risk of being logged off for absolutely no reason and lose hours worth of work. Instead you safely do your work in a notepad as opposed to a temperamental live browser template with a mind of its own.
However if you are too stubborn to let Seamonkey enter your life and you wish to live dangerously, your only option is to work in Newman. My best advice to you at this point is to consider investing in a stress ball to avoid seriously damaging anything on your desk/fellow coworkers.
Option 3: Use Newman. Warning: failure to follow the steps listed below may result in severe mood swings, headaches, and/or rage spiraling. Proceed with caution.
Step 1. Open Internet Explorer and type in the Newman URL. If you are able to successfully log in without the server redirecting you, you’re in great shape!
Step 2. Open two notepads to save your source code and text only report. Trust me; you’ll need a safe place for your work to live.
Step 3. Find your correct category report, open it, say your hail mary’s, and begin Newmanizing.
Step 4. Once you’ve gotten to a good saving point with your work, avoid your instincts and DON’T SAVE. Yes, you read that correctly. DO NOT SAVE through Newman. Instead, after any work you do, put all your work into those two notepads you opened. Save only through the notepads! We want to avoid angering Newman until we have to…
Step 5. If Newman decides to be moody, and makes you work obnoxiously hard to center an image or obtain the correct amount of spaces between your articles, stop what you’re doing and step away from the computer. Go get some calming herbal tea and think about your happy place. Avoid doing anything that will anger you more, such as checking how your fantasy football team is doing. Chances are your team is doing terribly and you’ll start to spiral into a rage of epic proportions…
Step 6. Once you’ve let your tea calm you down, return to your computer and try again. Newman knows when you are upset, so pretend like nothing is wrong and with luck you will be able to move on.
Step 7. Congratulations! You’ve finished Newmanizing and you’re ready to send your reports! At this point grabbing your lucky rabbits foot, knocking on wood, and praying are all encouraged, as this is when Newman can really have its way with you.
Step 8. Now is the time to save. After you hit the save draft button, Newman silently debates how easy it wants to make the remainder of your evening. If you’re lucky, the report will save perfectly and you can send your reports with just a few more mouse clicks.
If Newman decides you are not lucky, prepare yourself for a frustrating charade of title changes, report template switches and error messages galore:
– If you get the infamous red error message telling you there is an error with your message name and message type, try changing your message name to something else. Preferably something sad that lets Newman know that it has beaten you. If by the third attempt at changing the message name you continue to receive the error message, try moving your report to an old report. This tends to confuse Newman, and you should be able to send your message at this point.
– Unfortunately, Newman appears to be evolving in its evil nature, as it now can completely move your report to a different category. Pretty sneaky, right? If this happens to you, you’re best option is to scream into a pillow and try to resend. Newman has defeated you and acceptance is the first step in recovering.
Step 9. Finally the report has been sent, and you weakly celebrate as you turn off your computer and go home. Breathe easy; six days of smooth sailing before you get to let Newman defeat you all over again!